Columns
A satirical commentary
By Sheila Osburn
22, Jun 2002 - 03:25

My sister and I often wondered if the secret society of “The Fashion Police “ actually existed! Indeed there is such a thing, here in this vast country of America. Ironically our discovery was made in the state of Maryland, which in retrospect would make sense since other prestigious official policing agencies are located in this very same state, the CIA, the FBI, and now the TFP (The Fashion Police). (Please refer to example of the criminal dress) The garment in question: 1 knit Ralph Lauren Polo dress, modestly to the knee, conservative in style but yet with a hint of understated sophistication, the little dress that seemingly for a teen could go anywhere except for a black tie event. That’s what we thought! Not so as the TFP (The Fashion Police) pointed out to us. This is a true story of intrigue and absolute absurdity.

The alleged Fashion Crime Scene: June 20th, a student hall somewhere located on the University of Maryland’s Campus.
Approximate time that fashion crime took place: 20:00 hrs EST
Suspect: One 17-year-old teenage female.
Accomplices: 1 set of parents, Loy and Sheila Osburn for suggesting the alleged fashion violation dress.

What is the story behind the fashion police anyway?

Suspect attending a Leadership Conference, for Health and Medicine, for ten days, suspect was very excited about this learning experience, long anticipated. First evening of conference “professional dress” was required. As the suspect's parents pointed out to the TFP their stated dress code for students under "professional attire" was: suits, pants suits, skirts, blouses, dresses. Suspect wore illegal dresses to conference meeting and there, right there, the fashion police came out of hiding and reared their ugly head and gave warning to our daughter, advising that her polo dress was not considered “professional attire”, and this dress would not be allowed at other “professional attire meetings”.

Questions oh the questions, what is the difference between professional attire vs. career attire? I DON’T KNOW!!!

Today while pleading the little dresses innocence, the question was asked, if I had ever heard of the fabric rayon or twill? Yes Fashion Police agent asked me this question, and we all know or I guess I should have known that rayon or twill fabric would be the choice for a dress to wear in Washington DC in the summer - as opposed to linen, cotton or silk or in this case a cotton knit dress. After numerous long distance phone calls pleading the legitimate nature of this dress, The Fashion Police made a decision to search our daughter clothes that she brought and meticulously selected conservative in nature for Washington DC. I am not sure what branch of government if any The Fashion Police falls under? The conversations were ones truly to drop ones jaw. To our knowledge we liked this versatile Ralph Lauren Polo dress so much that we purchased more than one to travel with thinking it could be dressed up as well as worn for the “neat attire”. We tried to appeal to their common sense and integrity. Many students were wearing mini skirts almost up to their bum, with tight shirts and a short blazer, no stockings, high-heeled sandals. We pleaded our case using this as an example that a conservative modest almost on the cutting edge of nerd alert dress, to be cautious and present in a conservative manner to play it safe, but busted, the knit dress lost out. I asked, while pleading our case, what if a small town through their Rotary or Sertoma Clubs got the money together to send a student to this seemingly outstanding opportunity and this student’s mother made her clothes, that happened to be clean, neat, plain and presentable, what would happen to a student such as this? The Fashion Police stuck to their policy and said it would be too bad for this student and this is not the program's fault, this standard is what society has set. I asked this Fashion Police agent for an exact description of what young ladies' attire for a dress should be. He could not come up with an example and stated this is "suggestive" for women. This does not take a brain surgeon to get the gist of all this. As this consumed my morning I laughed and told the Fashion Police agent this has to be one of the most ridiculous conversations I have ever had in my life! I asked this agent if he thought this was a learning opportunity for these students. As long as clothes are clean and presentable, particularly since students are attending this from all over the world this is really silly. He responded actually the dress is a large part of the program. We had to admit after this knowledge that this program is not all we thought it to be. The Fashion Police has deemed one dress appropriate for their “professional attire”, that our daughter is allowed to wear.

When sharing this information with my sister, her comment was “Oh my gosh The Fashion Police really do exist” We laughed so hard. When our daughter arrives home in ten days I suppose we will have to take a mug shot of this illegal conservative Ralph Lauren Polo dress and make a record of her being caught by these people keeping order to fashion. Out of fairness I felt I should warn you if traveling to Maryland or you send your teenager to a Leadership Conference please make sure they or you will not fall prey to the TFP. I guess it starts small with a single knit dress, then the next thing you know, there you are wearing a dress without hosiery, and the WORST next comes wearing open toed dress shoes, I guess from there all goes to heck and the next thing you know you are wearing white shoes after Labor Day. So maybe this little brush with the fashion law has saved our daughter from the above explained. One of the TFP agents was dead serious and asked me is I would like to discuss the philosophy of fashion, again this was another jaw dropper. So tomorrow when you get out of bed, be aware the fashion storm troopers may be closing in on you! I guess my last question is, when all is said and done, on the eve of one’s life, will “God say I am sorry but if only you had dressed in “professional attire” many years ago”......


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