Posted by Bob Theman and his laughing ham on May 29, 2001 at 14:04:06:
For those of you thinking of dieting so you can fit into those thongs
this summer.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true ?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer ? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables ?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat ? Hay and
corn. And what are these ? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
grain ? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a
pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me ?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements,
so that only leaves one thing, right ? My advice: Have a burger and a
beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables and fruits.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio ?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
press what did he mean ?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up
your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you
find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably
ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program ?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -
Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer ?
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind.
If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you ?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you ?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating ?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle ?
A: Definitely not ! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.