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Posted by GAA on March 09, 2004 at 07:31:06:
Which one are you?
The Junior 'B' team!
Must have 'great goalmouth presence'..... which is secret code for being
fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age
bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played
minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees
dirty diving was at a ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck
went out of control, with numerous casualties.
Right corner back -
The quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the jokes in the
dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid
of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage.
Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning.
Full back -
First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene Epoch.
Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2". Will get a nose-bleed if he
passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is
a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.
Left corner back -
Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been
known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end. An
absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and
absurdly fast superstar in the making.
Right half back -
Just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the
senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early
1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he
"doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not
going to give you a game".
Centre back -
Disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at agm
and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing
Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still
absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.
Left half back -
County u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4,
he is still told to get under the kickouts and 'take the game to the
opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life
is in serious danger.
Chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet
reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside
the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his
round in at the post-match piss-up.
The full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking
bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to
making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five
dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.
Right half forward -
Quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village but is living in
Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't
know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying b****x in
Centre forward -
Third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder.
Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably
the local A.I. man or something.... by the way that's not A.I. in the
Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.
Left half forward -
Utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens
to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether
as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the
team's only source of points.
Right corner -
Happily married man who hasn't played football since he was 12 but has
suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent (like his
genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly.
Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous
nickname like "Schillaci" or something.
Full forward -
Hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the team and an
all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete
inability to find the target is "he's a good man to bust up the play."
Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not his
own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the
opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play
the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no
effect on how the team plays whatsoever.
Left corner forward -
The village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a seriously
dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five minutes of
the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles down the
road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a
running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the
virtue of his youngest daughter.