In Reply to: twenty five counties posted by In Other News on February 09, 2008 at 12:43:47:

While on his morning walk, an Taoiseach Bertie Ahern falls over, has a
heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his
nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly
Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a Fianna Faller around these parts, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says
the Taoiseach.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He
says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you
have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must
choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Ahern.

"I'm sorry .. But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that,
St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ...all
the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.
The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C
degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of
it is Charles Haughey and thousands of other Fianna Fall luminaries who had
helped him out over the years --- Eamon DeValera, Jack Lynch etc. The whole of the Fianna Fall Party leadership were there ..
Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times
they had getting rich at the expense of the 'city slickers and culchies.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Ahern with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila
and relax, Bertie!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I'm under doctor's orders," says Ahern, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and
it just gets better from there!"

Ahern takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks
is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and
pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Fianna Fall party
pulled with the HSE, the European Constitution and the planning regulations.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time
to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Ahern steps on the
elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is
waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says,
opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Ahern is made to hang out with a bunch of honest,
good-natured people many of them Rotarians, who enjoy each other's company, talk about things
other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or
short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the
food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all
poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like
someone special!

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Charly Haughey never prepared
me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in
Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Ahern
reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have
thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all --
but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down,
all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren
scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland,
looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian
outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained
together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black
plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands
black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Ahern and puts an arm around his shoulder." I
don't understand," stammers a shocked Bertie, "Yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar
and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's
just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were
campaigning; today you voted for us!"