Planet of the Apes
"Mark Wahlberg amid a cast of apes! No-one can tell which is him!"
"Those chimps are so well trained! They look as if they're out-acting
Mark Wahlberg... oh, wait, bacteria can accomplish that!"
"Hey, it's Marky Mark and the Monkey Bunch!"
Now that all the jokes which made you so unpopular at parties are over
and done with, let's look at the latest Hollywood bastardization of
film classics for commercial gain and artistic demise.
Hmm... well, I suppose I've left no mystery to my opinion. Ah, you've
read this far, might as well go on.
Marky Mark is somehow an astronaut in the near future. Hey, if they can
train chimps to fly, I suppose it's possible... anyway, he flies into
aa electrical storm which conveniently throws him onto a strange world
where apes rule and humans are savages that yearn for freedom. Oh, and
in this strange world, their sole purpose in life is to talk
pretentiously and reference the 1968 "Planet Of The Apes".
As can be guessed, Marky Mark is the human's saviour (well, he DID fall
from the sky. Only messiahs do that, you know) who must lead them
against the oppressive english apes. At this point I was glad that Tim
Roth, Helena Bonhma Carter and Michael Clarke Duncan are buried under
mountains of rather fake-looking makeup (Helena looks less like Bubbles
the chimp and more like Michael Jackson), because this means I can
still watch "Reservir Dogs" with my image of Mr. Orange untainted.
And why oh why is Tim Burton behind this? Had he enough of making
brilliant gothic horror and sarcastic schlock comedy that he decided
"hmm, I need a career low"? There is nothing in this film to suggest
the captain of this shoddy vessel. Burton's creativity seems to have
been painted over in the same futuristic rubber as the rest of the
Now I've seen a lot of bad films. This is one of the few films I've
seen this year that truly disappointed me. I feel like a professor
forced to give the star pupil his first F; reluctant, but knowing it
has to be said.
As for all the rest of the Hollywood bigwigs who think remakes are so
clever (and don't give me that "re-imagining" crap, it's a REMAKE, pure
and simple) - damn them! Damn them all to hell!
Stay home and watch a less-fuzzy Charlton Heston show you how it's done
in the 1968 original.
Luca (I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-a to chimpan-z) Brasi