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review by Luca Brasi
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Dracula 2001 One! One bad movie! Ah, ha, ha!!! Hi. My name's Dracula. Yeah, go on, say what you will, there's not much I haven't been called before. Humans have always found ways to insult me; calling me 'bloodsucker', assuming I'm a monster, having me played by Leslie Neilsen... but have a heart! I'm not all that bad! In fact, I've known to play the odd game of ping-pong with the virgins I'm about to sup on, and that Mike Eisner has been doing well ever since I lent him my castle for Disneyworld. Sadly though, you lot find new ways to make me look bad. Most recently? A little bit of nonsense called "Dracula 2001". Lord knows why they seriously went about making ANY movie, let alone this one, with only the '2001' in the title to make it look anyways edgy. So what's up? Well, I won't go into the cast 'cause they're not much cop in this anyway, and I'm sure they've all tried hard to forget they were in this film, so I'll do them a favour and not mention them. Van Helsing's descendant, Matthew Van Helsing, is a wealthy antiques dealer in London, and isn't he chuffed about how Bram Stoker went and immortalized his grandfather in a fictional story, wink wink, nudge nudge... anyway, the coffin he keeps stashed in a vault is taken by a group of super high-tech thieves, who take the big shiny box to America without even being sure what's inside. Their premise is that since it was under such tight security, there must be something really jazzy indeed inside. Now something twiitish like that as a plot point can really scrunch up the forehead of your average undead viewer. So what do you suppose is inside? Well, DRACULA of course. Big surprise for the audience, I must say, since they know that from the title already... Big bad Vlad has come to America with a larger purpose though, and he's not jut another Eastern Euro looking for a job; he comes to seek his bride. Now time-out, mortals. Just how many more films do I have to sit through where the best idea writers could come up with was "Dracula must find his bride"? Why not have a film where it's "Dracula wakes up and goes clubbing"? Or "Dracula is skint so he stays in and watches The Late Late Show"? Nah, scratch that last one, I'm already a talking corpse, I hardly need the competition from Pat kenny. Not that the film is all horrendous though. It's got some pretty decent action scenes, where man-with-pointy-objects fights off man-with-pointy-teeth and all that. They're hardly the stuff of legend though. Granted, I was never as limber as these vampires are, but these old bones have seen better days. Nights, I mean. Well, if you're really bored, get this film and laugh your arse off if you please. If you want a good vampire film, see "Shadow Of The Vampire". In the meantime, watch your diets; I hate fatty food. C.D. |