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Gone in 60 Seconds

Nicolas Cage as a retired car thief who has to save his brother by stealing 50 cars in a limited amount of time. Sound ridiculous? It is. And now the actual pitch of Gone In 60 Seconds, written in about as much time as I'm sure the movie's script was;

(telephone rings)

Scott Rosenberg, screenwriter of Gone in 60 Seconds: Hello?

Jerry Bruckheimer, biggest, loudest producer in Hollywood: Hey Scotty boy! Being Jerry Bruckheimer, producer of such big and loud movies as "Con Air", "The Rock" and "Armageddon", I need a new movie for summer! You know, something that "guys" will like!

SR: Well, I'm trying to finish off this script for John Cusack, called "High Fidelity"...

JB: Forget that for a second! All I need is a really dumb action film! You could write it in a weekend! All I need is explosions and a role for Nicolas Cage!

SR: Cage? I think you've destroyed his integrity enough...

JB: Oh come on, he's already got one Oscar for something no-one cares about! His career is set in stone!

SR: Alright, what do you want it to be about...

JB: Why ask me? You're the writer! I'm the producer! I don't come up with original ideas, I just pay for everything and get the awards if the movie wins best picture!

SR: Hmmm... so what do -ahem- "Guys" want?

JB: Cars! Angelina Jolie! Hell, while we're blemishing the careers of two Oscar winners forever, let's put Robert Duvall in it too! It'll give the picture credibility!

SR: So far he's the only credibility.

JB: Oh, and let's put in a "I must save my brother" plot too! I don't want the audience thinking too much... oh, and make the rest of it as cliched and simplistic as possible, otherwise people will be walking out with their heads hurting from the convoluted storyline!

SR: When did that ever happen?

JB: When I made Armageddon! It was way too complicated! People were walking out with tears in their eyes!

SR: Because they paid all that money to see poor special effects, a forced "God-Bless-America" theme and to be deafened by sounds and an overplayed Aerosmith song! THAT'S why they were walking out! They were NAUSEOUS!


SR: Hello? Jerry? Are you there? Jerry?

JR: Yeah, I'm still here... well what ideas do you have?

SR: If we're going to do this car movie with a poor script, poor acting, a predicatable ending and implausible plot, let's at least put Vinnie Jones in.

JR: Who?

SR: Vinnie Jones, the soccer star. From "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels".

JR: Did I produce that?

SR: No, THAT movie was well-thought-out, brilliantly executed and with killer dialogue. Not your style.

JR: Well, alright, as long as he sits in the background and doesn't speak. I want Nicolas Cage to have as much screen time as possible, showing off the various facial expressions ranging from perplexed to confused. The cheque's in the post! See ya Scotty!

(telephone hangs up)

SR: I don't know what's worse, the fact that those are bad ideas for a film, or the fact that they're ripped off from the 1974 film... "Gone In 60 Seconds". What an idiot. I think I'll go watch "Accelerator"...

Gone In 60 Seconds. If the're referring to my attention span and interest in this film, they were quite correct.

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