Posted by UTP on August 03, 2001 at 23:53:13:
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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
>> > The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
>> >
>> >
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>> > Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>> > Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>> >
>> >
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>> > "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
>> > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
>> > "Is it common? "
>> > "It's not unusual."
>> >
>> >
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>> > A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for
shorts.
>> > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>> >
>> >
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>> > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>> > "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
>> > "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him".
>> > So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth.
>> > Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
>> > "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
>> > "No, because he's really heavy"
>> >
>> >
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>> > Guy goes into the doctor's.
>> > "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
>> > "How's that?"
>> > "Don't you start"
>> >
>> >
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>> > "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
>> > "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
>> >
>> >
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>> > Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
>> >
>> >
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>> > What's brown and sounds like a bell?
>> > DUNG
>> >
>> >
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>> > What do you call a fish with no eyes?
>> > A fsh.
>> >
>> >
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>>
>> > So I went to the dentist.
>> > He said "Say Aaah."
>> > I said "Why?"
>> > He said "My dog's died.'"
>> >
>> >
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>> > So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
>>'Who's
>> > speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
>> >
>> >
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>> > "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
>>swimming
>> > baths?'
>> > He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
>> >
>> >
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>> > "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside
my
>> > house.'
>> > He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
>> >
>> >
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>> > Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
>>people
>> > in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad.
>>Or
>> > my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think
>>it's
>> > Colin.
>> >
>> >
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>> > So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and
>>he
>> > said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a
>>second
>> > time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
He
>>rang
>> > up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went
into a
>> > tree.
>> >
>> > And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
>> > And I said 'I careered off the road.
>> >
>> >
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>> > Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I
was
>>in
>> > went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the
dentist
>>said
>> > to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'
>> >
>> >
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>> > So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give
>>me a
>> > lift?"
>> > I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>> >
>> >
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>> > Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
>> > The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"
>> >
>> >
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>> > Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this
taste
>>funny
>> > to you?"
>> >
>> >
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>> > Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the
>> > other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
>>off.
>> >
>> >
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>> > You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>> > They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
>> > So that was nice.
>> >
>> >
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>> > A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you
in
>>a
>> > long
>> > time"
>> > The man replied "I know I've been ill"
>> >
>> >
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>> > A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several
>> > places"
>> > The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
>> >
>> >
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>> > I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
>> >
>> >
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>> > I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we
>>both
>> > got
>> > a bit frisky
>> > and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the
next
>> > exit, but it was a turn-off.
>> >
>> >
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>> > I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
>>find
>> > any.