The Ostrich has Landed!
Episode 1: Ozzy refuses to leave the airport.
EXT. KNOCK AIRPORT - TARMAC. DAY.
Airport security is trying to escort Ozzy away from the aeroplane. Up until now he has been behaving like a perfectly normal mutant but once outside he has a ‘funny’ turn.
OFFICIAL 1
Mr. ... Ostrich, for the last time please let go of that cockpit -this plane is not your... mother -yes even though it looks like a bird but it’s only an auld lump of metal ... Anyhow sir like we were saying, ahem,
(Reads from piece of paper)
because you have no passport you will be deported back to... to...
(Whispers to Official 2)
Where was Flight 666 coming from again?
OFFICIAL 2
Dunno. It was charted for some vegetarian conference that Dana’s giving -look we’ll just say he’s seeking asylum and then it’s the guards' problem -the security lads in Wexford do it all the time...
(Suddenly in a haze of dirty exhaust fumes, Glacky Bavin arrives.)
GLACKY
They're a funny looking bunch all the same lads...
(To Ozzy)
Would you never even eat a ham sandwich?
OFFICIAL 1
No Glacky you have it all wrong, this is a refugee. Mr. Ostrich you’re in luck. Mr. Bavin here was over the building of the pilot am ... floatel on Lough Lannagh -
GLACKY
(Rubs hands in glee and says to himself)
At last, I’ve got one!
(Aloud)
You just leave it to me boys.
(To Ozzy)
Sure the fas scheme made a grand job, it’s state of the art; right up to government regulations. I’ve modelled it specially on one of them detention places in Australia Bertie was raving about. Hop on the dumper there and I’ll take you to your new home ‘Spike Dinghy’.
OZZY
(Now fully recovered)
Dinghy - cluck, cluck - I hate water, cluck.
OFFICIAL 2
Oh, that reminds me I've some of those new regulation swimming-lesson vouchers here for you.
GLACKY
Hurry up now or we have vays of making you....