The Ostrich has Landed!

Due to ‘inclement’ weather, Ozzy has spent his first night on dry land- in the Bavin-household back kitchen- staring at a piece of dumper road kill that Glacky has thrown in. It is now morning and Glacky is on the phone. The Paddy’s Day Committee are also waiting in the hall.

DIRECTOR

(OFF)

... just be yourself Mr. Bavin and Jimmy love, leave my soundbites in this time

GLACKY

What... but Bertie, yesterday... Bad image? But sure you wanted to discourage them - am yes they’re taping all right- of course I’ll change it- Like a real hotel; well maybe...Well he’s ... he’s ... as ostriches go I wouldn’t be well up, am yes - mediafriendly enough, he’s developed some class of a speech impediment since the last episode and I’m noticing certain words send him into a trance - well ...I don’t know - just words... I’m sure they’ll be some of them in this weeks-... Bertie I’ll never finish it in time for the parade ... a song... Bertie...hello? ... Bloody Eircell.

Glacky turns his attention to the committee.

Lads, change of plans I have to find the FAS fellas quick!. Leave a bit of room at the front of the parade for me - I’ll have a bit of a late entry. Any reports from the intelligence units?

COMMITTEE

Yes sir - glorious news - Ennis ...is not having a parade.

GLACKY

(ASIDE)

Yes! Yes! So, it is up to us to show ze six o clock news how a real information town marches...

(ALOUD)

but remember the drill lads everything modern, a few dancing shamrocks maybe but go easy on the religion part of it - the youth and the ‘IT’ boys isn’t interested in that lark - no buts - da’ye never read the bulletin board on Castlebar? ... represent the church by all means but make it ‘relevant’ Come on there now... ah, Ozzy you’ve a job to do....

EXT. THE PARADE STARTING POINT.

COMMITTEE

Glacky, maybe you should just tell Bertie how the FAS team were in the Y2K-and you couldn’t get the dinghy off the-

GLACKY

No lads they’ve scrapped the boat idea altogether- bad for the image! So I came up with this and I think I’ve cracked it- perfect for moving the refugees around from community centre to community centre; and sure on the day that’s in it it’s still a ‘float’el.

COMMITTEE

(TO EACH OTHER)

It looks like Wanderly Wagon. What if the travelling community won’t park their float next to it?

GLACKY

Now Ozzy I might have given you the wrong impression of your new home yesterday. All that stuff about detention centres just a misunderstanding... no we want you to be very happy here. We want you to get up on that floatel now and show the parade how happy you are- could you sing us a song maybe...show them it’s not like prison...

OZZY

front of thveryone whacky.. th don’t know... (suddenly OZZY goes into a trance) Prison No. 256748334 the nighttime howling noises, the...

GLACKY

Great But we were thinking more cheery-the birdy song maybe and... WHAT in God’s name is he doing here...

ELVIS PRESLEY

Where do you boys want me?

Ozzy, still behaving strangely and chanting, has introduced himself to Elvis and the two are talking.

COMMITTEE

Good one Glacky, ha, ha,- yes in God’s name ha ha,- the BB, Glacky, they’re all Presletarians, disciples of the king so we dug him up to lead the way with a bit of a number... Come on now everyone please

The Parade commences. ELVIS walks in front singing-Followed by Ozzy on the Floatel

Elvis

‘Since I left my country I found a new place to dwell now I’m marching up the middle of Market Street On my heart-break float-hell Oh I’ma so lonely baby I’ma so lonely baby I’m so lonely I could...’

BLACKIE G

Elvis you is me main man- you is! but me is thinking you needs some bass.

Later after the parade the dignitaries and everyone else retire to the Y2K pub. There has been a lot of press interest in the ostrich so Glacky decides to turn the photo opportunity to his own advantage by taking Ozzy for his first pint. Tabloid journalists, however, keep asking about the ‘float-hell’. In the pub Ozzy sits next to Johnny Mee and the BB’s own revolutionary Mike ( who is writing a post about Unionist marches in Carrickfergus.)

Johnny Mee

... I don’t approve of these birds drinking out of pint glasses at all...

OZZY

Ozzy is reading what Mike has written...

Wike, Wike, these t-unionists in the north...are they...

Ozzy goes into a trance

Mythical race of orange men known for burying heads in sand- possible relatives- must talk to them-

Johnny Mee

Ha ha they’re a bit reluctant to talk Ozzy ha ha

Ozzy

Must find way- will use orange speak- racking my rassoodook, come droogs help, Beethoven...

Ozzy continues in this vein for many hours. Padraig Flynn enters the Y2K

Padraig Flynn

Thank God I can put this umbrella down now- you’d think they’d put a roof over the street or something...