The Ostrich has Landed!
Episode three: A Session In The Y2K 
Ozzy has now been resident in Castlebar for three weeks. He is living in an undisclosed house in Spencer Street, which he shares with a runaway cat called Marmalade. However, due to a recent infestation of rodents Ozzy has been spending a lot of time in the Y2K pub.
DIRECTOR
Ozzy darling I hate to add to your troubles but the ratings are bad - no one on the bulletin board seems remotely interested I don’t know what we’re going to do...
GLACKY
Hell, Ozzy they’re only trench rats -and it’s not like you’re a puppy - I keep tellin’ya I’ve no time to lay the poison – we’re about launch Spike Dinghy into Lough Lannagh and gather up all the rubbish on the lake. The public will love that.
(Aside) if I had my vay I vould be throwing ze dirty willians zemselves into the lake.
Ozzy I know you’re upset that no one on the bb is talking about you - personally I think it’s that daft speech impediment you had in the last episode
Did you watch the The Quiet Man like I told you - now if ye refugees had a nice soft west of Ireland accent ya see the government might be able to let ye work here - that’s the whole reason for the Celtic tiger ya know the west of Ireland accent like in the Quiet Man. Look there’s PJ and Mike - go and talk to them - that PJ knows all about history and genealogy and the like
GLACKY
PJ
OZZY
(sounding different somehow)
Top of the afternoon to ya WeeJ. You probably don’t know me cause you haven’t read my adventures - not a one of the BB has (sigh). Blame the writers meself. Sure what would you do if people started drawing bad caricatures and writing lines you’d never say at all at all.
Anyhow, Glacky said I should have a chat with yourself ‘cause you know all about the history and the genealogy,
Sure maybe you can help me find out what brought me here at all. Will ye have another sup - I’ve a few aul’ beer vouchers left and I have a fierce thirst on me
MIKE
Well Ozzy I must say I’m surprised at what does and doesn’t attract attention on the BB these days
PJ
So you’re trying to find yourself -well travel is good way I’ve always found.
So, do you think you have Irish ancestors? Nearly everyone does these days - there’s money to be made it too
Jays though maybe you came from a farming background there’s probably one or two ostrich farms in the -
BUREAUCRATIC MINION
Mr. PJ my boss says if you don’t hurry up we’ll go ahead with the next frame of the comic strip without you
PJ
Ah just a few minutes till I skull this - Ozzy did you ever think maybe you were genetically modified?
MIKE
Ozzy you should read one of the GM threads on the bb loads of information
I’ll tell ya if he is modified then his genes might be patented - and there could be trouble over who has copyright to this script
While PJ and Mike chat, Ozzy sees an old poster on the wall and goes into a trance
OZZY
Irish ancestors -Is it - could it be Grandfather? A tall saintly man
Guinness is good for you.
Money - maybe a new advertising campaign with me Ozzy og the long lost ostrich of -
MIKE
God, listen to him. You’d know it was the weekend. Give it a rest Ozzy!
NOEL NEHILL
Typical computer geeky ostrich!
KHARN
Noel, we’re just here for a quiet pint - don’t start all that again or I WILL HAVE TO KILL YOU
GLACKY
Ah Ozzy, you want to cut out them trances and try and fit in with the lads - I know! - ask them about the filums they watch - in the beginning of the BB M was always asking people about their favourite things - it’s a great way of breaking the ice - Sure if the lads agree on one film we’ll get the bar man to put the video on as soon as the Den TV is over
PJ
Jays now, for moi it’d have to be ‘Manon de Source
Albert and Rosie arrive on their zimmerframes; closely followed by a group of Terminators and Sick Of All The Drink Talk
ROSIE
(looking lovingly at Albert)
No, not that! What about a love story like ‘You’ve got mail’
TERMINATORS
Negative
Suggest Ozzy watches ‘Terminator Two’.
Depicts how non -human actor comes to terms with earth culture!
As does any other Swartzenegger movie... Ha! Ha!
SICK OF ALL THE DRINK TALK
No we’re not watching that. I’m sick of all the violence on the screen.
MIKE
We could just listen to the radio...
All the BB posters argue about what to watch - finally a compromise is reached and much to the disgust of everyone ‘Twins’ is chosen for plot reasons. Kharn rides to Xtravision on his trusty cybersteed. Ozzy reads an old GM thread on the BB while everyone else watches the end of Den TV.
When Kharn returns the barman starts the video. Ozzy watches in amazement and then suddenly goes into a yet another trance (sigh!)
OZZY
Genetic engineerin’ - Den TV -
Begob and begorrah am I the handsome intelligent Arnold and Dustin The Turkey my long lost brother....
GENERAL HUMBERT
Where ze hell is PJ and Bill Door? Zhis monkey wants to turn my establishment into a theme pub and I must fight him all alone. It is 1798 all over again...
