The Ostrich has Landed!
Episode Four: Ozzy finds work on the black market
Ozzy has had a very difficult Easter period. While on a casual shopping trip to Dunne’s Stores he experienced yet another trance like state during which he created a linen nest in the drapery department. He then proceeded to sit on several of the large Cadbury’s Crème Eggs in an attempt to hatch them. Since the incident Ozzy has been availing of alcohol therapy in the Y2K
Director
Ozzy love, Guinness in only good for you in moderation!
Glacky
Ozzy, There you are- you’ve caused some trouble I can tell you- I’ve washed them sheets several times but Dunne’s still won’t refund me money- but that’s not the worst of it- the environmental fellas have been watching just how well you fitted in over here and now they want to bring another one of ye funny refugees into Mayo.
Melmac
haven’t you heard the news Ozzy’s Irish I’ve traced Ozzy’s line back to the O’Strich family of Bally Westofireland
Glacky
Oh yeah, I bet you did; it’s fella’s like you that cause all the problems all right –
I suppose it’s you who says this new fella Eddie the Golden Eagle has ancestors in these parts too
(aside) If I Had my vay I vould clense the –
Oh hello Mike, Kharn, out for a few pints, lads, ha ha
Mike
Evening Comrade- if you will excuse us we have important revolutionary matters to discuss.
Kharn I read your post about finance on the bb- how much money have you collected from the internet scam- and is it in punts or euros?- we really will have to decide whether or not the republic of Connaught wants to become a legal member of the EU you know
Kharn
Dunno Mike I’m taking my share in K’s- hey why don’t we get Erin Brockovich to handle things for us...legally I mean, she’s a fine woman,...legally speaking
Mike
Oh God can’t you get a girlfriend? It’s cheaper, but back to the monetary policy issue. Ages ago I asked people on the bb to give their verdict- Ozzy, Ozzy what do you think of the EMU
Ozzy
(slightly tranced)
Emu, is it an Emu, where? let me at him,. Take that!
Observer
Oh no the Euro has fallen again- what hope now for telecom shares Float that’s tied to the EMU
Ozzy
Sure and begorrah How can anything float on an emu sure an emu is too heavy to float that’s why they can’t fly. Hadn’t ye already got the punts to float on unless they’re taking in water or something
Mike
Better giving it to the EMU than revenue commissioners of the Dublin Junta, they have already taken our natural gas, God it makes so mad I’ve taken to drinking my own smuggled Infacol-
Glacky
Mike! That’s the answer to all our problems- that’s how we’ll get our natural gas back! This ostrich has been sent from heaven lads
Melmac
Praise be as we say in my Temple... but what do you mean? Smuggling’s kinda illegal
Glacky
Ha, ha well it would be if one of us did it but it’s all about race relations boys, if Ozzy was a Muslim we’d have to let him practice his faith we couldn’t arrest him- and seeing as he’s an ostrich- well we can’t stop him burying his head in say ... The Mall and look at the neck on him- Who’s to say how far he could go down- and then who’s to say he wouldn’t want to burrow right out to the gas bed- it might be a cultural thing
Mike
But how would we get the gas back?
Glacky
Well now simple- in an effort to understand his culture us fellas could go out there and join him- and maybe a lay a few copper pipes to help him out. There’s probably even a grant for it from the UN like one of those Border Cooperation grants they have up in your place Mike- It’s easy sure we could get Albert to work out the angles and everything
Mike
Yes I say Ozzy does a test run tonight- right now before the spies from the Dublin junta can find out what we are up to. Then we can apply for the grants tomorrow
Glacky
Right so - and if he’s still at it in the morning sure I’ll rig up the dumper like a JCB and cut off the power from Dublin.
Ozzy
Kharn Kharn- what are you doing here so late- that’s illegal so it it
Kharn
Oh just looking for some action- but look I wasn’t going to pay for it or anything
Ozzy
No! I mean the pint sure it’s illegal to drink outside unless you playing some sort of cyber GAA game or something!
Next Morning. Ozzy is still burrowing in The Mall. Suddenly from a haze of dumper fumes Glacky appears
Glacky
Drop everything Ozzy, I’ve come up with a brand new plan to fund our glorious revolution.
Ozzy
Thank Elvis!- Time for the labby so
Glacky
How did you know? Never mind. Listen closely for I vill say this only once! Last night I convinced a contractor called Milgarten to pay me 50000 pounds to rezone The Mall for for the building of a new hotel and today I want you to give him this piece of paper with my bank account number on it. - Quick he’s in the Y2k right now
The y2k. Mr. Milgarten is in there with a friend, ozzy runs in breathless and hands over the piece of paper.
Milgarten
Oh no, it’s one of those refugees with their begging notes- Look I haven’t got any money-
Ozzy
Beggin’ your pardon sir but Mr. Bavin sent me so he did, with the account number...
Later that day Glacky and Ozzy are celebrating in the y2k
Glacky
... well Ozzy you did well today but we still need more money for the revolution and the Dunne’s Stores Easter incident has given me an idea how you could make even more money for us, I want you to post this on the BB later
Glacky’s phone rings
Glacky
Oh hello Mr. Milgarten- what do you mean you couldn’t lodge the money? - Oh I forgot all about them shutting down the Foxford bank- you’ll have to lodge it to my Offshore branch- wait till I give you the number- it’s Aran Island Under The labby Accounts 12345678...