The Ostrich has Landed!
Episode Five: 'And now for something completely different!'
Because of the previous episode Glacky has been brought before a planning tribunal to answer charges of corruption. In an effort to thwart justice, Glacky initially claimed that he is not in fact a politician at all. He insisted instead that he is Galcky B younger brother of Ali B. and that he has been called before the tribunal simply because he is black.
In order to get Glacky to talk, Judge M has threatened him with the tribunals severest punishment. The tactic worked. Much frightened and facing the maximum comfy chair, Glacky has finally admitted to several corrupt dealings, all of which, he claims, were masterminded by Ozzy.
However as Ozzy is an asylum seeker Judge M has decided not to question him in case his testimony should provoke any racist attacks. As the news that he would escape entirely without interrogation has spread far and wide Ozzy has suddenly become renowned as a clever trickster and troubled folk from all over the land have been arriving at his website.
As Glacky begins his fourth week in the witness box somewhere across the Shannon, to the east, a woman suddenly awakens
BIDDY
Oh where am I? What happened? Who are all these little people?
GOOD WITCH TWINK OF THE EAST
Oh Biddy, thank you for killing the wicked weather witch Evelyn Cusack. Come on munchkins lets all thank Biddy for killing the wicked witch.
BIDDY
I didn’t kill anyone.
CHILDREN
Oh yes you did!
BIDDY
I didn’t kill anyone. Last thing I remember, my car was turning over and over in the air - oh my god it must have landed on top of that witch. Oh I just want to get back to the girls and the laundry.
GOOD WITCH TWINK OF THE EAST
Oh no Biddy you’ve been axed from Television - you’re landed right in the middle of pantoland and it’s stupid pantomimes like this for you for ever now. Look, take off those wellies anyhow and put on the witches shoes - you’ll look sexier. - you know there is one person who might be able to get you home to Glenroe the wise wizard Ozzy who lives in the Castlebar Information City in the web. Just follow the potholy road till you get to the Information Superhighway and then it’s plain surfing. It’s a dangerous journey but a kiss from me will keep you safe.
BIDDY
What have you heard? What have you heard?
As Biddy started to follow the potholy road she heard a voice call out
BERTIE THE SCARECROW
Hey where are you going Biddy?
BIDDY
Well I want to go home but I need help and I’m going to ask the wizard Ozzy - oh who’s that over there
MARY THE TIN MAN
Please oil me - please oil me. No I didn’t mean money Scarecrow – I’m not like the others, they’re all crooked. I’m honest and – what’s the use? Nobody loves me at all anymore. Oh if only one person loved me, if only I had a sweetheart - a man.
BERTIE THE SCARECROW
God her tongue is loose enough already - ah, don’t mind me Mary, I’m not very clever - it’s hard to manage at home and in Europe you know. I don’t know how Sir Alex does it. If only I had a better footballing brain like Sir Alex. Biddy why don’t Mary and I go with you to see the wizard. Sh. I heard something.
Suddenly the Celtic Tiger lunges at the three
BERTIE THE SCARECROW
Hey what are you doing Tiger? Don’t you know who we are?
CELTIC TIGER (Crying)
Oh no please you don’t understand I was just pretending to attack you in case anyone was watching - I’d never do that Bertie. I’m such a coward!. Oh maybe I could go with you and see that wizard you were talking about and get some courage. -
MARY THE TIN MAN
Oh look that huge pothole we’ll never get across it - look it’s full of county council corruption.
I demand a full enquiry and I know Hugh can be the judge!
CELTIC TIGER
Oh just climb on my back and we can totally ignore it.
BERTIE THE SCARECROW
Oh look more trouble, the Shannon has flooded the potholy road up there. Come on everyone we’ll go through the fields, it’s a bit boggy but the grass roots will support us but we’ll have to keep really quiet Mary.
BIDDY
Ok Bertie after you - I know lets sing a song to make the time pass – Somewhere over the rainbow -
MARY THE TIN MAN (crying)
Bo - who, coalitions always coalitions never marriage boo who
BERTIE THE SCARECROW
Biddy, I’m not too fond of that song myself. Let’s try this instead - ‘Glory glory Man Utd!’
Who’s this coming in the bus? They’re stopping who ever they are.
AUDREY
Going to see the Wizard are ye? So am I. Want a lift with me
EVERYONE TOGETHER
In THAT BUS - NO!
BIDDY
Well we’ve reached the end of the potholy road , What now? Oh look there’s a sign Information Super Highway and an arrow pointing through those doors.
Biddy and the others enter the cyber café very quietly. They are very frightened of all the technology in front of them. With attendants help they navigate their way to Ozzy’s home on the internet. They type up their questions for Ozzy on the bb. The Tiger asks for courage, Bertie for a footballing brain, Mary for a sweetheart. Biddy asks to go back to Glenroe.
Suddenly they hear Ozzy’s voice from the speakers
OZZY
Yes I the great wizard Ozzy will help you but first you must do something for the Castlebar information age town - the wicked witch of castlebar.com has stolen our rightful home. You must destroy her website and then I will grant your wishes
The four friends are terrified as they search for Castlebar.com. AS soon as they enter the site Bertie and Mary are captured and are subjected to gruesome punishments. The scarecrow has the stuffing pulled out of him. Mary has some golden water poured over her until she rusts and can longer turn in any direction. The wicked witch of Castlebar.Com cracks her whip and Biddy and the Celtic Tiger are immediately brought before herself and the evil smoking monkey
WICKED WITCH
From now on Tiger you will make for me loads of money - and Biddy you will also work for me - oh those ruby slippers! My punters would love them. Give them to me.
Biddy refuses and gets so angry that she throws a bucket of water over her. The witch starts screaming and starts to melt. The whole site suffers a meltdown and is destroyed.
BIDDY
Come on Bertie, Tiger and Mary. We must go back and tell the Wizard - and Bertie, put out the cigarette. Right here’s the Castlebar BB I’ll type in the news. There I’ve finished.
BERTIE THE SCARECROW
Hm… I might open one of those myself
OZZY
Yes I the great wizard of Ozzy will help you but first you must do something for the Castlebar information age town - the wicked witch of castlebar.com has stolen our rightful home. You must destroy her website and then I will grant your wishes
BIDDY
Oh but that’s what you said the last time - what’s going on. Is there anyone there or is it a recording
BB REGULAR
Try the Y2k if you’re looking for the ostrich.
Biddy and the others hurry to the Y2K. Ozzy is a little the worse for wear.
OZZY
Oh faith and begorrah. How did ye find me - sure t’was Glacky said I was intelligent not me. Anyhow as for you Bertie you want a footballing brain like Sir Alex so you can the Junta at home and in Europe. But sure maybe that’s your trouble - copying all them 1980’s British fiscal management. Here’s a book on 'Ozzy Rules' football and read it and it will help you to understand compromise - the way to play a completely Irish game at home and abroad.
MARY THE TIN MAN
What about me?
OZZY
Mary you wish you had a sweetheart especially now they’ll be puttin pictures on the ballots papers I suppose. Well now to me you’re a fine woman great childbearing hips on ye. Why don’t you marry me and then you won’t be on the shelf and I’ll become a citizen too
CELTIC TIGER
And me - can I have some courage?
OZZY
Well the first thing you’ll do is stop carrying them two politicians on your back so you can have a good look at them - look at the tide marks inside their white collars. See the corruption - NO don’t eat them, that’s my future passport you’re devouring.
BIDDY
And me will I ever do the laundry again?
OZZY
Biddy I’m afraid there’s not much I can do for you - unless maybe Glenroe’s writers could say your death was all just a dream that Miley had… no that would never work - I know there’s the old witch Twink ask her for help. Tiger! Stop!
GOOD WITCH TWINK
Oh Biddy look I don’t think I can get you back to Glenroe but there might be other ways to stay on telly. Click your heels together… and again… and again. Keep practising. Not bad. Maybe you’ll might get a part in 'Riverdance'.