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Sea Of Sad
By Yellow bud
11, Sep 2002 - 08:46

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How could I! How dare I! Nearing the year anniversary of September 11, 2001, how unspeakable to be so filled with self-pity and tragedy. Guilt, so many victims and their families, the sadness I feel is swallowing me up; I gave up such a long time ago, years ago. I jumped into the sea of sad and just kept swimming until my heart became hard and the weight of it began to drag me down to the bottom. I became tired, sadness overcame me, almost like hypothermia I feel numb, confused, I am treading water barely alive, my spirit is broken, my heart is in pieces, and I gave up on me. I can close my eyes and feel myself floating; peaceful, calm, in the distance far away I see a small bright light showing me to safety on shore, hope? The light is so very far away I can barely see it, do I have the will to find the strength to swim back to hope? I am so very tried, I feel a chaotic peace in the profound sadness I feel, have I been in the middle of this sea of sad for so long now treading water and barely hanging on that this has become the normalcy of my life! Those I love; will I drag them to the bottom with me? Is this forever? Where is my will? The far away light is there so steady and constant, how can I find the strength to swim to safety? What if I don’t make it? What if I am so weighted down and I can’t get make it? I don’t want to be numb and confused anymore, I must find deep in my soul my will, my strength!

The swim back will be long. Maybe if I find hope inside me I will make it and getting this far away maybe on my journey back from the sea of sad I will be able to find the will to thrive and decide to be happy. Just maybe when I get to the shore I will keep walking away and not look back and leave the sea of sad behind me!

Yes I can visualize the shore white sandy beach, blue sky, my arms outstretched ready to embrace happiness and love. I see children so happy playing, an elderly couple barefoot arm in arm for a romantic stroll, a family lying on a quilt looking at the sky waiting for the occasional cloud to float by and take a guess at the shape. I see a simpler, less stressed life on that shore than when I decided to jump into the sea of sad a long time ago.

It is interesting facing the sea of sad and turning my back on me, my life, and now as I float along drifting in the water realizing another view if I face away from the sea of sad. Yes I can see happiness on that shore close to the bright light, I see myself dancing and laughing and crying, tears of joy to find me again. As I float along and drift towards the light I feel my heart becoming softer, I am feeling lighter, I am finding my strength my will. I see myself as a little girl sitting on the shore looking at me through my own God given unique green eyes, with much expression of wanting me to come back and not leave her, she wants to laugh. She wants to feel the sand between her bare feet. Yes I am going to make it! I will survive! Yes far in the distance I hear the music “Stolen Kiss “ from Riverdance, such a joyful piece of music, I am drawn to hope and happiness!

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